


history_squad

by Vestas_Kitchen



Category: History Boys - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, More Ships To Be Added When Decided On By Author; Let's See How The Story Goes, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vestas_Kitchen/pseuds/Vestas_Kitchen
Summary: DAKIN_YES has started chat.DAKIN_YES has named chat history_squadDAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, David Posner, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, pianoMan, TEACHUSSY and why to history_squad(or, it's 1983 and somehow smartphones exist)





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> chatname = username = person
> 
> dakin_yes = stu_the_dude = dakin
> 
> 420nosescope = kingof-theswamp = timms
> 
> teachussy = teachussy = irwin
> 
> david posner = david posner = pos
> 
> here_come_tech_boi = adilicious = akthar
> 
> howaboutvannogh = xxxjimmy = lockwood
> 
> pete = pete1965 = rudge
> 
> pianoman = scrippsy = scripps
> 
> why = ChrispyChreme = crowther
> 
> thevoice_ofreason = fifi-pro =fiona

**DAKIN_YES has started chat.  
  
** **DAKIN_YES has named chat history_squad**

**DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, David Posner, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, pianoMan, TEACHUSSY and why to history_squad**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** Dakin, how do I change my name?

**420nosescope:** pfffffffft

**HowAboutVanNogh:** oh god stu you didnt

**DAKIN_YES:** B)

**pianoMan:** dakin im p sure this isnt legal

**why:** unfortunately it is

**why:** well technically its not *illegal*

**David Posner:** Wow, Dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** i have done nothing i need to apologise for

**Here_come_tech_boi:** you've done plenty of things you need to apologise for, you're just too much of a prick to do it

**DAKIN_YES:** slander

**DAKIN_YES:** ill sue you

**Here_come_tech_boi:** you can't sue me for slander, (1) it's true, (2) i haven't actually spoken, it'd be libel

**pianoMan:** wrecked @ **DAKIN_YES**

**DAKIN_YES:** sod off @ **Here_come_tech_boi** @ **pianoMan**

**TEACHUSSY:** Dakin, you still haven't told me how to change my name.

**DAKIN_YES:** settings -> interface preferences -> redo name -> type whatever you want

**DAKIN_YES:** its simple sir

 

* * *

**chat: THE_GOONS**

**  
David Posner:** dakin, those were the change username setting from before the last update

**DAKIN_YES:** *exactly*

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** I can't figure it out

**DAKIN_YES:** ill show you tommorow sir

**pete:** whats this

**DAKIN_YES:** thought we needed a new history chat

**DAKIN_YES:** something a bit more involved, now were all going in for oxbridge and that

 

* * *

**private chat: Scrippsy and stu_the_dude**

 

**Scrippsy:** this has nothing to do with history or oxbridge

**stu_the_dude:** have you ever heard of a legal expression called 'plausible deniability'

**Scrippsy:** you desperate slag

**stu_the_dude:** i have no idea what youre talking about

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**pete:** alright then

**DAKIN_YES:** more discussion time and that, its a good idea. more topics than we would usually get with three hours a week.

**TEACHUSSY:** Well, I can't see the Headmaster arguing with that.

**DAKIN_YES:** now, henry's wives, scale to 1-10 for each one

**David Posner:** *Dakin*

**pianoMan:** *dakin*

**HowAboutVanNogh:** that has nothing to with the exams stu

**TEACHUSSY:** That's going to be hard to make interesting in an essay, almost every book on Henry VIII says he's a terrible person. A better answer would be to say there were socio-political reasons and machinations for each marriage, and argue that Henry planned each one strategically in order to stabilise his own power domestically and in Europe.

**420nosescope:** 6, 9 (for the manky hand), 5, 2, 8, 4

**David Posner:** School is empty and all the fools are here.

**420nosescope:** dont paraphrase shakespeare at me you bellend at least i answered the question

**TEACHUSSY:** Timms, language

**420nosescope:** im not in school sir it doesnt count

**TEACHUSSY:** Can I at least retain some degree of academic professionalism?

**pete:** ur in a chat with dakin sir uve already lost that

**HowAboutVanNogh:** p much

**DAKIN_YES:** LIES SIR, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THESE PONZIAN FABRICATORS

**DAKIN_YES:** but we have had very little academic focus in previous chats, yes

**why:** once we managed to have an entire conversation based on which was the worst english monarch based on daddy issues and penis size with complete disregard of socio-economical political context

**Here_come_tech_boi:** i won

**TEACHUSSY:** Who did you argue?

**Here_come_tech_boi:** mary tudor

**TEACHUSSY:** Unobvious. A good answer, considering.

 

* * *

**chat: THE_GOONS**

 

**Here_come_tech_boi: @DAKIN_YES** SUCK ITTTTTTTTTTTTT

**DAKIN_YES:** fuck off akthar

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** However, it's 2:30, aren't you all supposed to be in lesson?

**David Posner:** We are, sir.

**420nosescope:** general studies, sir

**Here_come_tech_boi:** i'm hiding my phone behind an anthology of byron pems, sir

**TEACHUSSY:** And Mr Hector hasn't noticed?

**HowAboutVanNogh:** hector doesnt know/realise, weve been doing this for years

**pianoMan:** 'i deny nothing'

**Here_come_tech_boi: @pianoMan** nice quote

**pianoMan: @Here_come_tech_boi** ta.

**TEACHUSSY:** Anyways, I think it's inappropriate of me to intrude on another teacher's lesson, so make sure to only contact me out of hours/in frees.

**DAKIN_YES:** i dont think any time with you is innapropratley spent, sir, we need to pass the exams, were just wasting time

**TEACHUSSY:** Perhaps, Dakin, but if you'd actually worked on your Richard III essay instead of playing on your phone it might not actually have been the perfect cure for insomniacs around the world. I could feel the melatonin levels rising with every paragraph.

**DAKIN_YES:** im hurt, sir

**TEACHUSSY:** Tough.

 

* * *

**chat: THE_GOONS**

 

**pianoMan: @DAKIN_YES** well that went *great*

**pianoMan:** also youre a complete manslag

**DAKIN_YES:** at least im doing *something*, you ponce

**why:** we cant all be satisfied with jesus

**Here_come_tech_boi:** and on the third day, scripp's sex life rose again

**David Posner:** and on the seventh day, god rested,  forgot to make don's sex life, and spent the rest of existence *convinced* there was something he forgot

**HowAboutVanNogh:** this is my body, broken for you and for many in accordance with the scriptures, take, eat, in rememberance of scripps sex life

**pianoMan:** this is bullying

**DAKIN_YES:** this is justice

**Here_come_tech_boi:** this is sparta

**420nosescope:** THIS IS JOHNNNNN CENAAAAAAAAA

**pianoMan:** i hate you all

**DAKIN_YES:** you cant hate me im too pretty

**pete:** were perfectly capable of thinking ur a knob despite that

**DAKIN_YES:** RUDGE THINKS IM PRETTY

**David Posner:** of course that's what you take from that, dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** i have no evidence saying im not pretty

**why:** your hair looks like its styled with marmite

**420nosescope:** SAVAGE  **@why**

**DAKIN_YES: @why** must you hurt me in this way

**pianoMan:** contrary to public opinion, no-one thinks youre cool stu

**DAKIN_YES:** thats not tru

**DAKIN_YES:** someone must think im cool

**pete:** no

**why:** no

**HowAboutVanNogh:** nope

**420nosescope:** nah m8

**Here_come_tech_boi:** no

**David Posner:** only sometimes

**Here_come_tech_boi:** posner doesnt count

**DAKIN_YES:** excuse you posner is a vital member of this chat and class and his opinion counts just as much as the rest of you

**David Posner:** once in fourth year you told me that none of my votes in class counted because i have less dignity when i run than a convulsing giraffe being electrocuted

**David Posner:** so either you're unanimously voted 'not cool' or you're wrong

**HowAboutVanNogh:** dakin

**HowAboutVanNogh:** admit hes wrong

**why:** sorry mate i guess youre just a massive loser until the end of time now

**DAKIN_YES:** NONE OF MY OPINIONS FROM BEFORE THE AGE OF SIXTEEN MATTER

**DAKIN_YES:** IM STILL COOL

**Here_come_tech_boi:** the lady doth protest too much, methinks

**DAKIN_YES:** hamet, act 3, scene 3, line 92

**DAKIN_YES:** 'no'

**pianoMan:** stop trying to be clever

**pianoMan:** you've tried for eighteen years, its time to give up

**HowAboutVanNogh:** its been a good run

**Here_come_tech_boi:** its time to finally embrace the sweet release of blissful idiocy

**DAKIN_YES:** >:(

**why:** why does every chat devolve into bullying dakin

**420nosescope:** **¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**DAKIN_YES:** because you're all terrible people

**pete:** pot meet kettle

**David Posner:** i tried to defend you, dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** yeah, well try harder next time, you ponce

 

* * *

**private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner**

**  
Scrippsy:** hey, you alright

**David Posner:** yeah, hes just being a prick, im used to it

**Scrippsy:** sorry, pos

**David Posner:** not ur fault, scrippsy

**Scrippsy:** u want me to spill irn-bru on him

**David Posner:** ...

**David Posner:** yeah tbh

 

* * *

**chat: THE_GOONS**

 

**HowAboutVanNogh:** holy fuck, don, that was great

**DAKIN_YES:** i hate you

**DAKIN_YES:** i just pressed this shirt last night

**why:** hoestly scripps that was fabulous you lanky oaf

**DAKIN_YES:** y'all're traitors im soaking

**420nosescope:** that's what she said

**pete: @DAKIN_YES** are you seriously just sat there typing while covered in irnbru

**DAKIN_YES:** yes, scripps im gonna kill you if this stains you clumsy git   
  


**DAKIN_YES changed chat name to SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

 

* * *

**private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner**

 

**David Posner:** thnxx

**Scrippsy:** np ;)

  
  



	2. 2

**chat: history_squad**

 

**pete:** what was the homework

**TEACHUSSY:** Nixon's policies in Vietnam.

**TEACHUSSY:** Also, it's four am and the essay is due in five hours why are you only writing this now?

**pete:** its not like im on the bus, sir

**420nosescope:** and its only four, sir, why would we be asleep

**420nosescope:** we could ask you the same question sir, why are you awake at four in the morning on a wednesday

**David Posner:** fuck uy all my nitifctions were on ur all giantt prickds

**pete:** go back to bed dave

  
  


* * *

**chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

  
  


**David Posner:** i cant believe i told my history teacher to fuck off and then said they were a giant prick last night actually kill me

**DAKIN_YES:** totty or irwin

**David Posner:** irwin

**pianoMan:** what

**DAKIN_YES:** that's all right then

**DAKIN_YES:** i mean, if you'd somehow gotten totty's number/been in close proximity to her in the small hours id say that was a bit out of character

**Here_come_tech_boi:** stop being a prick dakin its too early to deal with you

**DAKIN_YES:** well im not wrong

**DAKIN_YES:** also its half past eight its perfectly reasonable to be awake

**why:** only u think that, and thats because youre a fucking vampire

**HowAboutVanNogh:** and the lucozade

**DAKIN_YES:** three bottles of lucozade is a perfectly normal breakfast

**David Posner:** that explains so much and yet so little

**DAKIN_YES:** hey

 

 

* * *

 

**private chat between stu_the_dude and fifi-pro**

  
  


**stu_the_dude:** do u think 3 bottles of lucozade is okay in a morning

**fifi-pro:** 3? i need at least 5 and two coffees to barely function

**stu_the_dude:** thanks babe <3

 

 

* * *

 

**chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

  
  


**DAKIN_YES:** see fiona thinks im normal

**Here_come_tech_boi:** fiona's a terrible barometer for normal, dakin, she spends too much time with felix to pass fair judgment

**DAKIN_YES:** fair tbh, shes a bit of a freak ;)

**David Posner:** MOVING ON

**David Posner: @pianoMan** could u give rudge a knock on the door, he was up late and he might not be awake, he hasnt responded + ur closest

**420nosescope:** this is discrimination i dont get this kind of attention

**HowAboutVanNogh:** tony the last time we saw you sleep it was nine years ago

**420nosescope:** how the fuck

**HowAboutVanNogh:** it was my ninth birthday, you ate four marathon bars, had a mild anaphylactic shock and then passed out in the flat's living room

**420nosescope:** good times, man

**pianoMan:** hes awake now

**pete:** thanks  **@pianoMan @David Posner**

**David Posner:** np rudge

**David Posner:** did you manage to get that essay done

**pete:** yeah, you think 4 pagesll be enough

**pianoMan:** i hope so, thats all mine is

**DAKIN_YES:** whatd you argue

**pete:** ineffective bc khmer rouge was larger threat and nixon distracted, you

**DAKIN_YES:** government conspiracy to lose the war as fast as humanly possible so nixon could focus on domestic policy for the next 3 years to ensure re-election and secure his own power, so effective only in the terms of losing badly, but not quickly, but in line w the theory of nixon vying for a 2nd term

**HowAboutVanNogh:** at the very least, the last couple of months have been lessons in academic bullshit

**why:** you can smell those oxbridge firsts already

 

* * *

**chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

 

**David Posner:** honestly fuck pe

**420nosescope:** lol

**David Posner:** fuck off tony we cant all have been forging notes since second year

**David Posner:** how the fuck did you get out of this one

**420nosescope:** told wilkes i had the explosive shits

**David Posner:** lovely

**420nosescope:** thank god he didnt ask me to prove it

**420nosescope:** it was either that or aids, ive already used all the other excuses

**David Posner:** fuck off tony, not funny

**420nosescope:** meh

**420nosescope:** how're u on ur phone

**David Posner:** faked an asthma attack

**David Posner:** thank god wilkes doesnt have the brain capacity to know the difference between mild panting and symptoms of inflamed lungs

**David Posner:** though i suppose thats actually kind of distressing, considering

 

_ (one hour later)  _

 

**pianoMan:** never actually thought about it like that

**Here_come_tech_boi:** who gives a shit, were gone in two months and id like to see some of the fifth years choke to death, lil shits

**HowAboutVanNogh:** well that took an unexpectedly dark turn

**Here_come_tech_boi:** im just saying

**Here_come_tech_boi:** can the entire fifth year just kind of fuck off and die?

**Here_come_tech_boi:** really appreciate it

**why:** amen

**DAKIN_YES:** y'all know what else can fuck off and die

**David Posner:** Reagan

**HowAboutVanNogh:** thatcher

**pete:** you

**DAKIN_YES:** scripps singing abba in the fucking showers

**DAKIN_YES: @pete** fuck you

**pianoMan:** dakin no

**DAKIN_YES:** i s2g if i have to here honey honey honey one more time i might actually start breaking things

**DAKIN_YES: @David Posner** no wonder u do all the singing

**pianoMan:** please

**DAKIN_YES:** you never exactly tell us how hes a love machine scripps, elaborate, but please not through song

**420nosescope:** pfffft

**DAKIN_YES:** and change ur pronouns people might get suspicious, if u know what i mean ;P

**David Posner:** what the actual fuck dakin

**why:** stu wtf

**HowAboutVanNogh:** too far

**pianoMan:** come on its dakin its not worth it

**David Posner:** of course its fucking worth it

**David Posner:** i get this every single fucking day and i put up with it for my own reasons

**David Posner: @DAKIN_YES** dont go throwing shit about like that, its actually not funny

**DAKIN_YES:** jfc pos, god

**DAKIN_YES: @pianoMan** you cant sing but ur not gay

**DAKIN_YES: @David Posner** okay?

**David Posner:** fine but go fuck urself

**pianoMan:** at least its better than that time dakin did 'when i kissed the teacher' on kareoke

**DAKIN_YES:** YOU KNOBHEAD SCRIPPS

**pete:** oh no

**420nosescope:** pics or it didnt happen

 

* * *

 

**private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner**

 

**David Posner:** sorry

**Scrippsy:** dakins a prick

**David Posner:** browning's a bit long-winded

**David Posner:** i overreacted

**Scrippsy:** s'okay, it looks like you needed to

**David Posner:** its just

**David Posner:** too much?

**David Posner:** just

**David Posner:** how did i not *see* it

**David Posner:** hes just an absolute *tosser*

**David Posner:** why

**David Posner:** fuck

**David Posner:** shit

**Scrippsy:** a grotesque revelation?

**David Posner:** more the proverbial straw on the camels back

**Scrippsy:** good

**David Posner:** ?

**Scrippsy:** just... you and dakin

**David Posner:** ew, i know, now

**Scrippsy:** ... yeah

**Scrippsy:** sure ur okay tho

**David Posner:** maybe

**Scrippsy:** ... do you want to share a caramel freddo

**David Posner:** dear god yes

 

* * *

 

**chat: history_squad**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** Why is crowther crying in the middle of the 1500m track?

**420nosescope:** hes dropped his phone, sir

**HowAboutVanNogh:** screen shattered, sir

**Here_come_tech_boi:** has to go back to the iphone 4 until he can get a new one, sir

**HowAboutVanNogh:** its kind of poetic, really

**HowAboutVanNogh:** the price of pride

**420nosescope:** practically homeric/ovidian, sir

**Here_come_tech_boi:** the conquering hero comes home to find his kingdom ravaged and his people starving, and finds that this is his punishment for his innate flaws

**TEACHUSSY:** So he's okay?

**Here_come_tech_boi:** maybe physically, but mentally and emotionally he might never be the same

**TEACHUSSY:** Good. I didn't want to go over there.

**420nosescope:** lol sir did u just message the chat to get out of human social interaction

**TEACHUSSY:** no

**TEACHUSSY:** Dorothy was just growing increasingly concerned in the staff room

**pianoMan:** totty doesnt work wednesday afternoons sir, shes gone home

**TEACHUSSY:** ...we all have our flaws

**DAKIN_YES:** you shouldnt try to lie to us sir, who knows what impression youd make

**DAKIN_YES:** innocent souls led astray by a corrupting influence

**David Posner:** The last person to call you innocent,  **@DAKIN_YES** , was probably on more drugs than all four Brontes combined.

**pianoMan: @David Posner** yessssssssss go david

**David Posner: @pianoMan** ;P

**DAKIN_YES:** thats not fair

**Here_come_tech_boi:** they're not wrong though

**David Posner:** ye dakin, >:)

**pianoMan: @David Posner** u go brah

 

* * *

**DAKIN_YES has started chat**

**DAKIN_YES has named chat drama_squad**

**DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope,** **Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, and why to drama_squad**

 

**DAKIN_YES:** so pos and scripps

**pete has left drama_squad**

**Here_come_tech_boi has left drama_squad**

**why has left drama_squad**

**HowAboutVanNogh has left drama_squad**

**420nosescope has left drama_squad**

**DAKIN_YES:** well then fuck all yall ill do it myself


	3. 3

* * *

**chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

 

**420nosescope:** bacon barm for breakfast  B-)

**pianoMan:** mood

**HowAboutVanNogh:** goals tbh

**why:** lucky bastard

**420nosescope: @why** hows the new phone

**Here_come_tech_boi:** how does it feel to be communicating over a piece of solid bird shit masquerading as a phone

**why:** in our faults we lie flattered be

**David Posner:** please dont use shakespeare to analogise the iphone 4, the bard will shudder in his grave

**why:** also y are u bullying me dakin uses a rose gold iphone 7

**pianoMan:** tru

**David Posner:** bad taste

**420nosescope:** sad times, man

**DAKIN_YES:** fuck all yall its a good phone

**pete:** wheres ur headphones

**DAKIN_YES:** i dont need headphones

**pianoMan:** hes lost them

**HowAboutVanNogh:** already?

**HowAboutVanNogh:** jfc stu

**Here_come_tech_boi:** serves him right

**David Posner:** ^^^^^

**DAKIN_YES:** fuck all y'all

**pete:** no thanks, ta

**DAKIN_YES:** you especially pete

**David Posner:** sorry  **@Here_come_tech_boi** and  **@pianoMan** that sick burn has just seared pete into the best friend spot

**pianoMan:** you wound me, pos

**Here_come_tech_boi:** you sure you want to replace me the day i bring 10p  pick'n'mix

**pete:** dont think i can compete w that pos

**David Posner:** sorry pete, thats true

**David Posner: @Here_come_tech_boi** is my best friend again

**pianoMan:** what does that make me

**HowAboutVanNogh:** desperate

**420nosescope:** lol

**pianoMan:** accurate but fuck you lockwood

**why:** honestly what a mood

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**DAKIN_YES:** right, while hectors gone to the bogs

**DAKIN_YES:** lads night on friday, guys, dont forget

**DAKIN_YES:** pre-drinks  **@420nosescope**

**TEACHUSSY:** i think youre in the wrong chat, dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** not necessarily, sir

**pianoMan: @DAKIN_YES** yes you are

**pianoMan:** get in the knob chat

**TEACHUSSY:** What?

**why:** it's not worth explaining, sir

 

* * *

**chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB**

**pianoMan changed chat name to dakins a slag**

 

**why:** dont even bother threatening to sue, dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** dickhead

**HowAboutVanNogh:** truth, stu

**420nosescope:** u cant invite the history teacher to my house, stu

**DAKIN_YES:** i didnt invite him to ur house

**pianoMan:** you basically did

**DAKIN_YES:** okay, fair enough

**DAKIN_YES:** but lads night?

**DAKIN_YES:** come ooooooon

**DAKIN_YES:** its a non-school setting

**Here_come_tech_boi:** were not bringing him to lads night because youll spend all night highkey flirting with him while the rest of us sit there awkwardly trying to stop you doing something thatll get our one shot at oxbridge arrested

**pete:** ^^^^^^^

**HowAboutVaNogh:** also hes a prick

**David Posner:** also you dont even invite me to lads night so why are you inviting the bloody history teacher

**420nosescope: @David Posner** isnt it sabbath for u tho

**David Posner:** timms if we did sabbath properly dont you think idve used it to get out of friday afternoon rugby in fifth year

**David Posner:** my legs turned fucking orange, i looked like a goddam oompa loompa

**David Posner:** it was 2/7ths of a fucking rainbow between the orange legs and the blue socks

**420nosescope:** fair enough m8

**420nosescope:** u wanna start coming on lads night

**David Posner:** honestly the only reason id hang around in the smoking room of the wheatsheaf on a friday night is to watch dakin embarrass himself and lockwood sends any decent moment to me anyway

**HowAboutVanNogh:** eyyyyyyyyy

**David Posner:** so thanks tony but no, im alright, appreciate it tho

**420nosescope:** np m8, if you ever want though, invites open

**David Posner:** thanks, but ill stick to radio 2 on a friday

**Here_come_tech_boi:** wow pos thats sad

**David Posner:** at least its better than radio 3  **@pianoMan**

**DAKIN_YES:** radio 3, don? really?

**why:** no way

**pete:** even hectors too young for radio 3

**pianoMan:** this is bullying

**HowAboutVanNogh:** could be worse

**HowAboutVanNogh:** you could have all of wham!'s discography on lp

**420nosescope:** oh god he doesnt

**HowAboutVanNogh:** he does

**DAKIN_YES:** FUCK YOU JAMES LOCKWOOD

 

* * *

**chat: dakins a slag**

 

**Here_come_tech_boi:** ... is pos alseep

**pianoMan:** ... yeah

**DAKIN_YES:** jesus fucking christ scripps

**pianoMan:** leave him alone hes had a late night

**DAKIN_YES:** ;:-)

**pianoMan:** no, dakin

**DAKIN_YES:** im just saying

**pianoMan:** you aren't saying shit

**DAKIN_YES:** *hes leaning on you, don*

**pianoMan:** *hes just asleep*

**DAKIN_YES:** honestly scrippsy youre hopeless

* * *

**chat: drama_squad**

**DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, theVoice_ofReason and why drama squad**

 

**pete has left drama squad**

**DAKIN_YES:** well fuck you too pete

**420nosescope:** i love rudge sometimes, y'know

**Here_come_tech_boi: @DAKIN_YES** dakin no

**HowAboutVanNogh:** please stuart

**DAKIN_YES:** BUT LOOK AT THEM

**420nosescope:** ...he's got a point

**HowAboutVanNogh:** NO TONY

**HowAboutVanNogh:** NOT YOU TOO

**420nosescope:** i aint saying nothing

**why:** thats a double negative

**420nosescope:** shit

**theVoice_ofReason:** what

**Here_come_tech_boi: @theVoice_ofReason** who the fuck are you

**theVoice_ofReason:** who the fuck are *you*

**DAKIN_YES:** oh shit sorry fiona

**Here_come_tech_boi:** wait what

**DAKIN_YES:** u and irwin r right next to each other

**DAKIN_YES:** added u by accident

**theVoice_ofReason:** no prob, leave me in, im interested now

**DAKIN_YES:** not sure ur supposed to be in contact w so many of the students in a non-profesional capacity

**theVoice_ofReason:** im not sure youre supposed to have your history teachers number

**why:** oh shes got u by the nuts there dakin

**theVoice_ofReason:** >:)

**DAKIN_YES:** traitor :(

**theVoice_ofReason:** ;-x

**theVoice_ofReason:** so whats happening

**HowAboutVanNogh:** can u see outside in the quad

**theVoice_ofReason:** ye

**HowAboutVanNogh:** look at the lunch bench behind us

**theVoice_ofReason:** oh god thats adorable

**theVoice_ofReason:** is david asleep?

**420nosescope:** i think so

**420nosescope:** i threw a BabyBell at him and he didnt react, so probably

**theVoice_ofReason:** does donald normally blush so much

**why:** no

**why:** its a posner and a dakin-taking-the-piss-about-posner thing

**theVoice_ofReason: @DAKIN_YES** what's your agenda here

**DAKIN_YES:** excuse me?

**DAKIN_YES:** i have no agenda

**theVoice_ofReason:** yes you do

**theVoice_ofReason:** 1) you never do anything nice, ever

**theVoice_ofReason:** 2) you lowkey kind of hate david

**theVoice_ofReason:** 3) youre stuart dakin, you have no soul

**DAKIN_YES:** ill sue you

**why:** legally, dakin, i wouldnt bother disputing any of those points

**DAKIN_YES:** im disputing 2

**DAKIN_YES:** i dont *hate* posner

**HowAboutVanNogh:** sure seems like it sometimes

**Here_come_tech_boi:** he honestly believes you do

**DAKIN_YES:** wait what

**420nosescope:** you dont hate posner?

**DAKIN_YES:** no jfc

**DAKIN_YES:** its weird okay

**DAKIN_YES:** he likes me

**DAKIN_YES:** i dont

**DAKIN_YES:** how the fuck am i supposed to deal w that

**Here_come_tech_boi:** well for a start you could not run a fucking mile instead of being nice when ur in the same range as him

**Here_come_tech_boi:** he knows you dont like him

**Here_come_tech_boi:** trust me

**Here_come_tech_boi:** i have been that boys venting bag for seven years, i fucking know

**Here_come_tech_boi:** so pull your dick out of your own arsehole and try not being an egotistical,  narcissistic , piece of shit toerag and at least deal with your own fucking problems

**HowAboutVanNogh:** wow 8 /

**420nosescope:** ^^^

**why:** shit, adil

**theVoice_ofReason:** YEAH BABY SLAY THAT BITCH

**HowAboutVanNogh:** yeah, slay

**DAKIN_YES:** OKAY, YES, I AM KIND OF A PIECE OF SHIT

**420nosescope:** im screenshotting that

**DAKIN_YES:** FINE BUT CAN WE MOVE ON TO THE FUCKING POINT

**DAKIN_YES:** can we stop them goddam mooning all over each other before it fucking kills us

**why:** no

**HowAboutVanNogh:** its kinda weird in itself, stu

**420nosescope:** sure, w/e

**why:** oh, goddamit timms stop enabling him

**420nosescope:** christopher all i am doing for four months is applying for university

**420nosescope:** i have nothing else to do with my life

**DAKIN_YES:** plus, its making me feel bad how sad the pair of them fucking look at each other sometimes

**theVoice_ofReason:** baby, you have a soul

**Here_come_tech_boi:** wow, evidence for that soul

**theVoice_ofReason:** EYYYYYYYYYYYY

**420nosescope:** >:-)

**HowAboutVanNogh:** stuart getting double slayed

**DAKIN_YES:** oh, fuck off tony

**DAKIN_YES:** u too jimmy

**420nosescope:** m8, im the only one helping you, you cant afford for me to fuck off

**HowAboutVanNogh:** im in anyway, its less hassle than trying to say no to you

**DAKIN_YES:** YES, JIMMY

**HowAboutVanNogh:** but as soon as someone tells me to get me togs off, im out

**why:** im staying to watch you all crash and burn

**Here_come_tech_boi:** im not helping, im minimising damage

**DAKIN_YES: @Here_come_tech_boi** you want pos to stop complaining about scripps as much as i want scripps to shut up about pos

**Here_come_tech_boi:** prove it

**DAKIN_YES: @theVoice_ofReason** ?

**theVoice_ofReason:** i dont think youve thought this through but im always down for you humiliating urself in public

**HowAboutVanNogh:** excuse me

**DAKIN_YES:** THATS NOT WHAT THAT SOUND LIKE

**theVoice_ofReason:** >;)

**Here_come_tech_boi:** oh, miss proctor, i think were going to be great friends here

 

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**DAKIN_YES:** sir

**DAKIN_YES:** sir

**DAKIN_YES:** sir i swear this is relevant

**DAKIN_YES:** sir talk to us

**TEACHUSSY:** what do you want, dakin

**420nosescope:** oh sirs getting shady

**DAKIN_YES:** sir do you do leg day

**HowAboutVanNogh:** sir if you skip leg day youll lose all credibility with me forever

**pete:** jim you dont even go to the gym

**HowAboutVanNogh:** tru

**HowAboutVanNogh:** but its the principle of the thing

**TEACHUSSY:** im not sure i know what leg day is

**Here_come_tech_boi:** le gasp

**420nosescope:** *sir*

**why:** why the hell are you two offended you exercise even less than lockwood

**why:** at least lockwood has go up eleven flights of stairs

**why:** tony u live in a bungalow

**420nosescope:** i dont need leg day, i am a paragon of health, fitness and peak physicality

**Here_come_tech_boi:** and ive just got great legs tbh

**Here_come_tech_boi:** you all know that

**420nosescope:** we know akthar

**420nosescope:** we all have confirmation that with the exception of a tragic few, we all look great in tights

**TEACHUSSY:** excuse me

**pianoMan:** fourth year shakespeare, sir

**pianoMan:** romeo and juliet, interpreted as the american war of independence

**HowAboutVanNogh:** full costume sir

**DAKIN_YES:** ive still got the pictures if you want them sir

**TEACHUSSY:** So you did a joint production with Abbot's Girls Grammar?

**420nosescope:** pffffft

**why:** if only

**David Posner:** hey i was a great juliet

**Here_come_tech_boi:** you were the thirstiest juliet ever put on the stage

**David Posner:** as opposed to the thirstiest mercutio

**DAKIN_YES:** oi

**DAKIN_YES:** i was not that thirsty

**pianoMan:** in case you've forgotten, i was benvolio and yes you were playing thirsty

**DAKIN_YES:** still not as bad as you in real life

**420nosescope:** rt

**Here_come_tech_boi:** rt

**HowAboutVanNogh:** rt

**David Posner:** rt

**Here_come_tech_boi:** pfffft go pos

 

* * *

**private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy** ****  
**  
** ****

**Scrippsy:** what were all the rt's for do you know

**David Posner:** i have no idea but its accurate tbh

**Scrippsy:** :'-(

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. 4

* * *

**private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy**

 

**David Posner:** do you ever think about goneril

**David Posner:** like

**David Posner:** shes so good to her dad

**David Posner:** i mean

**David Posner:** hes kind of a dick

**David Posner:** he shows up with his army of fuckboys that she cant afford to feed/house

**David Posner:** and she tries to make a reasonable suggestion

**David Posner:** and then hes just like

**David Posner:** 'fuck you and fuck your vagina'

**David Posner:** and like

**David Posner:** shes married to the duke of albany

**David Posner:** where the fuck even *is* albany

**David Posner:** and she hates him, which is understandable, considering the time period

**David Posner:** her sister, w no dowry, is the queen of fucking france

**David Posner:** france, scripps

**David Posner:** i mean, no wonder she copped off with edmund

**David Posner:** like, maybe dont try to kill your other sister?

**David Posner:** but still

**David Posner:** goneril and edmund should have become king and queen

**David Posner:** lear can honestly kind of go fuck himself

**David Posner:** plus, she only gave her dad what he wanted

**David Posner:** who gives a shit if shes lying

**David Posner:** she might have been telling the truth but cordelia was being a bit of a bitch

**David Posner:** goneril did nothing wrong and deserves better

**Scrippsy:** pos its 2am

**David Posner:** i get why regan is a villain

**David Posner:** you cant really rip a mans eyes out and still be a good person

**David Posner:** but you cant really put them both together in the same boat

**David Posner:** goneril *tried*

**David Posner:** regan didnt even let them in gloucesters castle

**Scrippsy:** go to bed pos

**David Posner:** no this is important

**Scrippsy:** not at two in the morning its not

**Scrippsy:** we have to be awake and actually working in seven hours you need sleep

**David Posner:** sleep is for the weak

**Scrippsy:** youre not helping your point

**David Posner:** i cant sleep

**David Posner:** i cant stop thinking

**Scrippsy:** about king lear?

**David Posner:** about everything

**Scrippsy:** ?

**David Posner:** are we even going to get into oxford, scrippsy

**David Posner:** if we dont whats all this bloody work for

**David Posner:** is it actually worth it

**David Posner:** are we good enough

**David Posner:** are we just wasting four months for nothing

**Scrippsy:** i mean

**Scrippsy:** maybe

**Scrippsy:** i dont want to lie to you, pos, maybe

**Scrippsy:** but youve still got that place at york uni, right

**Scrippsy:** even if you dont get in

**Scrippsy:** its not like everythings over

**Scrippsy:** yeah, its oxford

**Scrippsy:** but if oxford doesnt want you id question their intake examination criteria anyway

**Scrippsy:** out of all of us

**Scrippsy:** youre to one thats definitely going to get in

**Scrippsy:** so go get some chamomile and calm down

**David Posner:** i guess

**David Posner:** thanks, don

**Scrippsy:** no problem

**David Posner:** no, really

**David Posner:** tysm

**Scrippsy:** :)

**Scrippsy:** you want me to bring coffee tomorrow

**David Posner:** holy shit yes

* * *

**c** **hat: dakins a slag**

 

**pete:** dave you look like death

**David Posner:** youre a real charmer rudge you know that

**Here_come_tech_boi:** no pos really

**Here_come_tech_boi:** my mum could carry her shopping in those eye bags

**David Posner:** i was up late, thats all

**420nosescope:** the human or dakin definition of late

**DAKIN_YES:** oi

**David Posner:** jfc, the human

**David Posner:** im on about four hours

**David Posner:** im not a nocturnal cryptid like dakin

**David Posner:** ill be reet

**David Posner:** ill nap through lunch

**pianoMan:** pos you need to eat during lunch

**David Posner:** yes because school food has such a great nutritional value

**HowAboutVanNogh:** #MilkSnatcherThatcher

**pianoMan:** still

**pianoMan:** you'll feel better if you eat

**David Posner:** who are you, my mother

**420nosescope:** nope hes the #daddy

**David Posner:** TIMMS

 

* * *

**chat: drama_squad**

 

**DAKIN_YES:** TIMMS WHAT THE FUCK

**420nosescope:** WHAT

**DAKIN_YES:** THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BACK IN SLAG CHAT

**420nosescope:**  IM JUST DOINGWHAT YOU TOLD ME

**theVoice_ofReason:** oh god i can only imagine

**DAKIN_YES: @theVoice_ofReason** FIONA

**theVoice_ofReason:** YES DEAR

**DAKIN_YES:** IS TELLING POSNER THAT SCRIPPS HIS HIS #DADDY A BAD IDEA

**theVoice_ofReason:** PROBABLY BUT IVE NEVER REALLY SPOKEN TO DAVID ENOUGH TO ACCURATELY GAUGE HIS KINKS BUT FROM THE FEW TIMES WEVE SPOKEN #DADDY PROBABLY ISNT ONE OF THEM

**HowAboutVanNogh:** wait you can tell someones kinks by speaking to them

**theVoice_ofReason:** of course

**theVoice_ofReason:** #womens intuition

**why:** thats not a real thing

**theVoice_ofReason:** do you want me to test that

**why:** ...

**theVoice_ofReason:** yeah thats what i thought

**why:** i want the record to show i still think youre full of shit

**theVoice_ofReason:** let the record also show that chris crowther is a fucking pussy

**DAKIN_YES:** WE'RE GETTING OFF TRACK

**Here_come_tech_boi:** great now you know how it feels whenever we try to discuss something that isnt you  **@DAKIN_YES**

**DAKIN_YES:** go die akthar

**Here_come_tech_boi:** im already dead inside

**why:** what a mood

**HowAboutVanNogh:** rt

**theVoice_ofReason:** same

**DAKIN_YES:** THE POINT IS THAT YOURE GOING TO SCARE THEM OFF EACH OTHER IF YOU KEEP HINTING SO OBVIOUSLY AT THEM

**why:** well then wtf are we supposed to be doing

**HowAboutVanNogh:** yeah its not like youve given us a plan or anything

**420nosescope:** it seems like your actual plan is just to complain about them until they fuck

**why:** wow timms with a point

**420nosescope:** ive got several points you can go fuck yourself w chris

**theVoice_ofReason:** (☉_☉)

**Here_come_tech_boi:** yes theyre always like that

**theVoice_ofReason:** i mean

**theVoice_ofReason:** its not like i wasnt expecting it

**theVoice_ofReason:** but anthony? really?

**420nosescope:** im offended

**theVoice_ofReason:** if id placed bets id have put money on stuart and james

**DAKIN_YES:** baby why

**why:** yes dear?

**DAKIN_YES:** fuck off crowther

**Here_come_tech_boi:** i mean tho lockwood and dakin arent that much better

**HowAboutVanNogh:** not going to bother denying that

**Here_come_tech_boi:** oh, miss proctor, the things we could show you ;)

**theVoice_ofReason:** im sure you could ;)

**HowAboutVanNogh:** maybe we will ;)

 

* * *

**private chat between xxxjimmy and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** jim can you actually not

**xxxjimmy:** what

**stu_the_dude:** can you not chat up the gf

**xxxjimmy:** im...not?

**stu_the_dude:** m8 youre not exactly being subtle

**xxxjimmy:** sorry stu but ur actually being mental rn

**xxxjimmy:** im not trying to shag your girlfriend

**stu_the_dude:** you sure? seems like it

**xxxjimmy:** dude please

**xxxjimmy:** im just taking the piss

**xxxjimmy:** im your mate

**xxxjimmy:** im not gonna stir that kind of shit

 

* * *

**private chat between adilicious and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** akthar stop flirting with my girlfriend

**adilicious:** fuck you i do what i want

**stu_the_dude:** y'know what im not even going to try here

 

* * *

**private chat between xxxjimmy and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** sorry jim

**stu_the_dude:** its been a seriously long day

**xxxjimmy:** stuart its not even lunch yet

**stu_the_dude:** just

**stu_the_dude:** ugh

**stu_the_dude:** yall

**stu_the_dude:** especially timms sometimes, y'know

**stu_the_dude:** its like herding cats

**stu_the_dude:** angry, vicious, horny cats

**xxxjimmy:** careful there dakin you sound very close to empathising w scripps

**stu_the_dude:** nah, m8, never

**stu_the_dude:** my extent for compassion encompasses myself and no other

**stu_the_dude:** just

**stu_the_dude:** sorry

**stu_the_dude:** for thinking you were after the gf

**xxxjimmy:** np man

**stu_the_dude:** and even if you were trying, looks like youd have to share her with akthar anyway

 

* * *

**chat:  dakins a slag**

 

**pianoMan:** why is lockwood choking to death

**David Posner:** yeah what chat are you all in, you all went silent but have been typing suspiciously for the last ten minutes

**pete:** honestly i dont think any of us really want to know

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**420nosescope:** hwk?

**TEACHUSSY:** n/a

**TEACHUSSY:** You're getting a week off essays, I'm sick of marking them.

**420nosescope:** oh thank god

**DAKIN_YES:** sir

**TEACHUSSY:** No.

**DAKIN_YES:** you dont know what im asking, sir

**TEACHUSSY:** I'm anticipating something irrelevant to history and highly inappropriate.

**David Posner:** Wow sir I didnt know you'd also read Dakin's dictionary entry

**Here_come_tech_boi:** eyyyyy pos

**DAKIN_YES:** its not irrelevant

**DAKIN_YES:** i have a solution for your woes of leg day

**DAKIN_YES:** a highly respected sport in the ancient olympics

**TEACHUSSY:** Dakin, I teach medieval English History. What's Greece got to do with anything?

**DAKIN_YES:** its simple, sir

**DAKIN_YES:** youll never skip leg day again sir

**DAKIN_YES:** try powerwanking sir

**DAKIN_YES: *** POWERWALKING

**HowAboutVanNogh:** HOLY SHIT STU

**pianoMan:** wow ive never seen him type so fast

**pete:** oh wow

**420nosescope:** what up freud, its me, ya boi

**TEACHUSSY:** ... im going to forget that ever happened

**HowAboutVanNogh:** im not im screenshotting it

**Here_come_tech_boi:** send it here babe

**HowAboutVanNogh:** sure hon ;)

**Here_come_tech_boi:** thanks darling ;-x

**HowAboutVanNogh:** anytime, sugar

**David Posner:** same for me and  **@pianoMan**

**HowAboutVanNogh:** sent >:)

**DAKIN_YES:** i hate you all

**pete:** not as much as life hates you, it seems

**why: @pete** what a savage

**420nosescope:** honestly love rudge sometimes

 

* * *

**private chat between fifi-pro and xxxjimmy**

 

**xxxjimmy:** um

**xxxjimmy:** hi

**fifi-pro:** two minutes, gotta sort out this paperwork

**fifi-pro:** right whos kinks do you want

**fifi-pro:** stuarts, adils or mine

**xxxjimmy:** what

**fifi-pro:** what

**xxxjimmy:** i didnt come here for kinks

**fifi-pro:** thats the first time ive heard that

**xxxjimmy:** ...

**fifi-pro:** carry on

**xxxjimmy:** im sorry if i was flirting w you earlier

**xxxjimmy:** and made you uncomfortable

**xxxjimmy:** and honestly im also kinda sorry that i stole your pm chat handle out of dakins phone so i could apologise

**fifi-pro:** oh honey thats so sweet

**fifi-pro:** (and honestly adorable)

**fifi-pro:** its just idgaf

**xxxjimmy:** oh

**fifi-pro:** bless your heart though

**fifi-pro:** im flattered, really

**fifi-pro:** you keep me on hold for a while, sweet pea

**fifi-pro:** from some things ive read/ seen/ heard i think you have some things to work out for yourself first

**xxxjimmy:** ????

**fifi-pro:** oh, bless

**fifi-pro:** youve got some figuring out to do

**xxxjimmy: *** ???????????*

 

* * *

**private chat between adilicious and xxxjimmy**

 

**xxxjimmy:** adil wtf does this mean

**xxxjimmy:** _ cryptic_af.png _

**adilicious:** fuck if i know

**adilicious:** women, man

**adilicious:** do not understand them

**xxxjimmy:** yeah i know what you mean

**xxxjimmy:** just

**xxxjimmy:** what

**xxxjimmy:** oh

**xxxjimmy:** *oh*

**adilicious:** jim

**adilicious:** jim what the fuck

**adilicious:** you still here?

**adilicious:** respond you pillock

**adilicious:** James?

**adilicious:** James for fucks sake where have you gone

**adilicious:** James please what the fuck

**adilicious:** please mssg me when u see these

**adilicious:** tell me ur okay

 


	5. 5

**chat: dakins a slag**

 

**420nosescope:** SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY

**David Posner:** no

**pianoMan:** tony for fucks sake

**420nosescope:** HALLO-FUCKING-WEEN

**HowAboutVanNogh:** whatd you manage to get this year

**David Posner:** i refuse

**David Posner:** were not doing video nasty night at tonys *again*

**David Posner:** do you all not remember last year

**why:** obvs, it was fucking hilarious

**David Posner:** CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST WAS NOT HILARIOUS CROWTHER

**pianoMan:** no, but tbh you were, pos

**David Posner:** fuck off scripps

**420nosescope:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**420nosescope:** anyway i got evil dead

**pete:** what

**pete:** how

**pete:** thats the holy grail of video nasties

**420nosescope:** _ 'how much better is silence' _

**DAKIN_YES:** oh come on tony, where tf do you find them

**DAKIN_YES:** you cant evade us w virginia woolf

**420nosescope:** nope

**420nosescope:** y'all gonna depend on me

**HowAboutVanNogh:** thats terrifying

**HowAboutVanNogh:** actually, wait a sec

**HowAboutVanNogh has changed their name to spookwooo**

**David Posner:** dear god no

**why has changed their name to christopher_LEE**

**DAKIN_YES has changed their name to succ-ubus**

**David Posner:** please no dakin

**420nosescope has changed their name to reefer_madness**

**pianoMan has changed their name to paganism**

**pete has changed their name to hallopete**

**Here-come-tech-boi has changed their name to YAAAAS JASON**

**spookwooo:** pete you just sound like youre german

**reefer_madness:** hallo, wie heisse pete

**hallopete has changed their name to peteween**

**YAAAAS JASON:** somehow that's worse

**peteween:** yall complained, this is what you get

**reefer_madness:** i love you rudge, never change

**succ-ubus: @David Posner**

**David Posner:** do i have to

**succ-ubus:** yes

**christopher_LEE:** come on pos

**David Posner:** but what do i puuuuuuuut

**peteween:** just change it to something horrifying, dave

**David Posner:** heres an idea

**David Posner has changed their name to Stuart Dakin**

**succ-ubus:** HEY

**paganism:** accurate there pos <3

**succ-ubus:** TRAITOR SCRIPPS

 

* * *

**chat: drama_squad**

 

**succ-ubus:** im going to kill scripps

**theVoice_ofReason:** please dont sweetie pie

**reefer_madness:** hey  **@theVoice_ofReason** get yourself a sp00ky name

**theVoice_ofReason has changed their name to fionaberry sauce**

**christopher_LEE:** what

**fionaberry sauce:** nothing is more horrifying than christmas in october

**spookwooo:** thats

**YAAAAS JASON:** actually kind of genius

**fionaberry sauce:** thanks babes <3

**YAAAAS JASON:** <3

**spookwooo:** :)

**succ-ubus:** if yallre done im still going to murder donald scripps and david posner

**fionaberry sauce:** no youre not

**fionaberry sauce:** and anyway this chat only exists because you want to see scripps nut, not nut him in the head

**succ-ubus:** cant i want both

**christopher_LEE:** technically yes but in the long term, no, nutting scripps in the head is probably detrimental to scripps nutting posner

**spookwooo:** who says scripps would nut posner

**spookwooo:** maybe pos would nut scripps

**reefer_madness:** no way m8

**spookwooo:** its technically possible, if you think about it

**reefer_madness:** its technically dave

**reefer_madness:** if dave isnt the one that takes it up the arse ill bend over and let him fuck me myself 

**YAAAAS JASON:** 0_0

**succ-ubus:** thats p gay tony

**reefer_madness:** SAYS YOU

**succ-ubus:** YOU WERE JUST SAYING YOUD LET POS NUT YOU TIL YOU NUT

**reefer_madness:** IN A HYPOTHETICAL EXTREMELY UNLIKELY SCENARIO DUE TO THE PROBABILITY THAT SCRIPPS WOULD NUT

**succ-ubus:** WHATS YOUR NUTTING EVIDENCE

**reefer_madness: @YAAAAS JASON**

**YAAAAS JASON:** WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW HOW POSNER NUTS

**YAAAAS JASON: @succ-ubus** HOW DOES SCRIPPS NUT

**succ-ubus:** SCRIPPS DOESNT NUT, THATS KIND OF THE PROBLEM

**spookwooo:** WHAT

**spookwooo:** NO NUT

**spookwooo:** NOT ONCE

**succ-ubus:** NO NUTS FOR JIZZUS BOI

**christopher_LEE:** I DONT BELIEVE THAT THE BOY DOESNT NUT

**succ-ubus:** NEVER NUT

**spookwooo:** WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

**fionaberry sauce:** for the love of christ can you all stop saying nut now

**YAAAAS JASON:** no

**fionaberry sauce:** *for the love of whichever religious personality that none of you actually believe in can you all stop saying nut now

**christopher_LEE:** you started it

**fionaberry sauce:** we all make mistakes

**YAAAAS JASON:** eg: stuart dakin

**fionaberry sauce:** oi

**spookwooo:** SHIT

**fionaberry sauce:** what

**spookwooo:** scripps just stole dakins phone, i think he saw the jizzus line

**fionaberry sauce:** CUNT

**YAAAAS JASON:** miss proctor, language

**fionaberry sauce:** you going to come and punish me, big boy

**reefer_madness:** nut

**fionaberry sauce:** fuck you timms

**spookwooo:** thank fuck dakin managed to get his phone on screenlock before scripps got in chat proper

**spookwooo:** hes still got the phone though

 

* * *

**private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy**

  
  


**David Posner:** whyd you steal dakins phone

**Scrippsy:** did you know theyve got a whole chat without us

**David Posner:** what? why?

**Scrippsy:** idfk

**Scrippsy:** its prob dakins fault tho

**David Posner:** prob

**Scrippsy:** ...do you want to take the piss out of dakin while ive got his phone

**David Posner:** did hamlet want to sleep with his mother

**Scrippsy:** great, here's the plan

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**Stuart Dakin:** Hey, sir?

**TEACHUSSY:** What do you want, Dakin?

**Stuart Dakin:** Nothing much, sir

**spookwooo:** wait what

**reefer_madness:** oh yessssss

**Stuart Dakin:** Just thought I could do with some private tutoring, that's all.

**Stuart Dakin:** I know you're not teaching at the moment, sir

**Stuart Dakin:** Must be lonely

**Stuart Dakin:** I could come over and keep you company, sir ;)

**paganism:** sweet lord

**Stuart Dakin:** Oh, is this bothering you, Scrippsy?

**Stuart Dakin:** Are you all flustered?

**Stuart Dakin:** Hot and clammy?

**Stuart Dakin:** Am I distracting you, Scrippsy?

**Stuart Dakin:** I can see you

**Stuart Dakin:** You look very uncomfortable

**Stuart Dakin:** Or wait

**Stuart Dakin:** Is that not uncomfortable

**Stuart Dakin:** Is that another face that I've not seen yet

**Stuart Dakin:** Oh my

**Stuart Dakin:** I think it is

**Stuart Dakin:** Maybe I should come over and get a better look

**christopher_LEE:** what the fuck

**paganism:** ...please no

**YAAAAS JASON:** 0_0

**TEACHUSSY:** dakin im not sure this is appropriate in a public chat

**peteween:** i cant take this anymore posner please stop

**reefer_madness:** oh ffs pete that was just getting fun

**TEACHUSSY:** wait posner what

**YAAAAS JASON:** im deleting this entire chat record

**peteween:** thank christ

 

* * *

**private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy**

  
  


**David Posner:** um

**David Posner:** sorry

**David Posner:** that got a bit out of hand

**David Posner:** the dakin kind of ran away with me

**Scrippsy:** that's... okay

**Scrippsy:** really, really okay

**David Posner:** okay

**Scrippsy:** ...howd you do that so well

**David Posner:** do what

**Scrippsy:** the thing

**Scrippsy:** the talking thing

**David Posner:** oh dear

**David Posner:** wouldnt you just love to find out ;)

**David Posner:** (dakin, mainly)

**Scrippsy:** ( did i even need to ask)

**David Posner:** (not really, tbh)

**David Posner:** sorry again

**David Posner:** for getting carried away

**Scrippsy:** no, no, no, trust me its fine

**Scrippsy:** i'm fine with it

**Scrippsy:** it's cool

**David Posner:** really, scripps?

**David Posner:** bc from where i was it looked like you found it pretty hot ;P

**Scrippsy:** POS

**David Posner:** never knew you did full-body blushes, don ;)

**Scrippsy:** this is bullying

**David Posner:** you sound like dakin

**Scrippsy:** please dont insult me like that

**David Posner:** :P ;) <3

  
  


* * *

**chat: drama_squad**

  
  


**christopher_LEE:** can i just be the first to point out a couple of things

**christopher_LEE:** on no account do we ever tell dakin what posner just did, ever

**christopher_LEE:** if dakin laid his eyes on that clusterfuck we do not want to deal with that fallout

**christopher_LEE:** mostly because im not sure whether dakin would want to murder or fellate posner after that

**YAAAAS JASON:** agreed

**reefer_madness:** seconded

**christopher_LEE:** motion carried

**christopher_LEE:** and second, that pos and scripps are actually

**christopher_LEE:** well

**christopher_LEE:** yeah

**christopher_LEE:** not sure they really need our help, tbh

**reefer_madness:** i'm 95% certain scripps has fucked posner already

**fionaberry sauce:** theyve not

**fionaberry sauce:** also what did they do

**YAAAAS JASON:** _ DavidPosnerPhoneSexQueen.png _

**fionaberry sauce:** umm

**fionaberry sauce:** wow

**YAAAAS JASON:** also  **@reefer_madness** weve already established the nut debate and we dont know the specifics of who nuts who between those two

**fionaberry sauce:** the word 'nut' has now lost all meaning to me now.

**reefer_madness:** oh stfu akthar

**reefer_madness:** actually

**reefer_madness:** hold on one fricking minute

**christopher_LEE:** just say fuck tony

**YAAAAS JASON:** #LetTonySayFuck19k83

**reefer_madness: @spookwooo** how much have you actually been thinking about don and dave nutting

**fionaberry sauce:** please tell me i need it for research purposes

**reefer_madness:** what

**fionaberry sauce:** what

**spookwooo:** I havent!

**reefer_madness:** the nut debate only started when you said that 'if you thought about it' you wouldnt know whether don or dave'd nut

**christopher_LEE:** that's true, actually

**spookwooo:** i dont think about any other two lads in our class having sex with each other

**christopher_LEE:** wait

**christopher_LEE:** jimmy

**christopher_LEE:** that's some *very* specific wording

**christopher_LEE:** any *other* two lads?

**fionaberry sauce:** Chris stop

**fionaberry sauce:** Not now

**reefer_madness:** wait lockwood which of us do you want to fuck

**fionaberry sauce:** TIMMS

**spookwooo:** I. Don't.

**spookwooo:** drop it

**spookwooo:** ffs lads

 

* * *

**private chat between fifi-pro and xxxjimmy**

  
  


**fifi-pro:** im so sorry

**xxxjimmy:** what for

**fifi-pro:** you know

**fifi-pro:** making you think about it

**xxxjimmy:** wouldve happened anyway, i guess

**xxxjimmy:** you only sped it up

**xxxjimmy:** so not your fault

**fifi-pro:** sorry

**fifi-pro:** its just

**fifi-pro:** ... i dont have an excuse, really

**xxxjimmy:** hey, look

**xxxjimmy:** i'm not angry at you

**xxxjimmy:** im slightly pissed off at tony, but if im honest, he's a prick so one: i'm not surprised, and two: i'll get over it

**xxxjimmy:** you have nothing to apologise for

**xxxjimmy:** as much stress as it's been causing me, im actually pretty thankful that you've pointed it out now

**xxxjimmy:** so dont apologise for bein your intrusive, busy bodying, amazing self <3

**fifi-pro:** <3

**xxxjimmy:** that's a bit ironic, considering we're establishing im kind of a poof

**fifi-pro:** not necessarily, honey

**fifi-pro:** if i may be allowed to lead you further down the path of sin

**fifi-pro:** think about it a bit more

**fifi-pro:** who do you want, really?

**xxxjimmy:**...

**xxxjimmy:** you know who

**fifi-pro:** and?

**xxxjimmy:** wtf do you mean, 'and'?

**fifi-pro:** sweetie

**fifi-pro:** please

****fifi-pro:**** you know you can want more than one person

**xxxjimmy:** but

**xxxjimmy:** the thing

**xxxjimmy:** and youre still with dakin

****fifi-pro:**** see?

****fifi-pro:**** you do know

**xxxjimmy:** i dont know anything anymore everything you say just confuses me

****fifi-pro:**** pffft

****fifi-pro:**** but you love it <3

**xxxjimmy:** <3 ?????

****fifi-pro:**** now go talk to the boy

**xxxjimmy:** oh shit

 

* * *

**private chat between adilicious and xxxjimmy**

 

**adilicious:** so

**adilicious:** im not thick

**adilicious:** process of eliminaton

**adilicious:** defo not timms, dakin or posner, unlikely to be pete or chris, and youre not a masochist flagellant so it's not scripps

**adilicious:** therefore

**xxxjimmy:** look, can we just

**xxxjimmy:** not yet

**xxxjimmy:** i have no idea what's happening right now

**xxxjimmy:** every day i just get more confused

**adilicious:** really?

**adilicious:** id say it was p fucking important to address, considering that it's a pretty new revelation

**xxxjimmy:** adil ffs

**xxxjimmy:** look, im sorry, and i know its awkward

**xxxjimmy:** but jfc i realised this out a week ago

**xxxjimmy:** we cant all be posner and be bonny and bright and good and gay from day one

**xxxjimmy:** im... adjusting

**xxxjimmy:** so, please

**xxxjimmy:** it must be so weird for you and im sorry

**xxxjimmy:** im not going to be a posner, i swear

**xxxjimmy:** can we just kind of... forget about it

**adilicious:** no

**xxxjimmy:** okay, fine, ill just stay out of your way, okay, whatever works

**adilicious:** no, look

**adilicious:** ugh

**adilicious:** im not... adverse to the idea

**adilicious:** of being a thing

**xxxjimmy:** wait what

**adilicious:** dont sound so suprised you poof

**adilicious:** though i suppose thats mildly hypocritical

**xxxjimmy:** but

**adilicious:** just because posner's got the subtley of a tap-dancing rhino doesnt mean i have to be that obvious

**xxxjimmy:** but... fiona

**adilicious:** yeah

**adilicious:** her as well as you, tbh

**adilicious:** it's weird

**adilicious:** it's both, really

**adilicious:** lads and girls, if that makes any sense???

**adilicious:** i suppose that was kind of reassuring

**adilicious:** not being proper queer

**adilicious:** then i just got kind of used to it

**adilicious:** ive known for a few years, tbh

**xxxjimmy:** so that can be a thing?

**adilicious:** i guess

**adilicious:** feels pretty normal to me

**xxxjimmy:** oh

**xxxjimmy:** that makes sense

**xxxjimmy:** that makes a *lot* more sense to me, actually

**xxxjimmy:** bc obvs, fiona

**xxxjimmy:** and girls are still like, good?

**xxxjimmy:** but then this last week, as ive thought about it

**xxxjimmy:** lads as well

**adilicious:** oh i know

**xxxjimmy:** pete's *arse*

**adilicious:** fuck, i know, fucking perfection

**xxxjimmy:** pfft

**adilicious:**...

**adilicious:** so what do you want to do about it

**xxxjimmy:** ...

**xxxjimmy:** i dont know

**adilicious:** well thats a satisfying conclusion :P

**xxxjimmy:** dont quote irwin at me

**xxxjimmy:** look, genuinely, im adjusting

**xxxjimmy:** i spent eighteen years of my life thinking i was a heterosexual

**xxxjimmy:** ive had a week to re-assess that

**xxxjimmy:** can you just... give me some time to sort my head out

**xxxjimmy:** Please?

**adilicious:** sure xx

**xxxjimmy:** thank you :) xx

**adilicious:** hah, gaaaaaaaaaaaaay

**xxxjimmy:** fuck off

* * *

 

**private chat between adilicious and fifi-pro**

 

**adilicious:** you're a goddam witch and i love you xx

**fifi-pro:** What A Mood, i love me too xx


	6. 6

**chat: dakin's a slag**

  
  


**David Posner:** i want death

**why:** mood

**why:** but pos it's 3am go to sleep

**David Posner:** no

**David Posner:** i need to do this fucking essay

**why:** which one

**David Posner:** the one on the Geneva five of 1816 and their literary works' impact on english society and culture

**why:** oh.

**David Posner:** the one where in order to get a half-decent mark, i must be #edgy and claim that Mary Godwin Shelley, daughter of Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin, mother of science fiction, vodka aunt of the gothic novel and all-around BAMF, was not impactful- and if she was- it was because of Percy 'the B stands for Bitchboy' Shelley 

**why:** right

**why:** first of all, the b stands for bysshe and you know full damn well it does

**why:** second, i think youre getting too attached to what youre writing

**David Posner:** with the greatest of respect, chris, its a little hard to profess belief in the exact opposite of one of your most fundamental views

**why:** no its not

**David Posner:** yes it is

**why:** look, pos

**why:** just because you say something doesnt mean that 1) its true or 2) you believe its true

**David Posner:** but it feels so wrong- like, my last point was that the shift from biological science in the Romantic period to technological science in the Victorian was to do with increasing Anglican conservatism

**David Posner:** and yes, it's an interpretation, but it's just wrong

**David Posner:** it's just not that basic

**why:** and?

**why:** once youre at oxford you can write what you think

**why:** but first youve got to get there

**why:** the end justifies the means

**David Posner:** but im just using history as a means to an end

**why:** okay, rule #1 of this chat: fuck immanuel kant

**HowAboutVanNogh:** WHO MENTIONED THE DEVIL

**David Posner:** good morning, james

**David Posner:** one day youre going to have to get over your hatred of philosophy

**HowAboutVanNogh:** ILL GET OVER IT WHEN IM DEAD

**HowAboutVanNogh:** FUCK THE PHILOSOPHY A-LEVEL

**why:** if it makes you feel any better like 90% of the things weve done this term have violated the categorical imperative of truth

**HowAboutVanNogh:** perfect

**David Posner:** truth means nothing now anyway

**why:** *life means nothing now anyway

**David Posner:** calm down there nietzsche

**HowAboutVanNogh:** excuse me who's that

**HowAboutVanNogh:** we only know  **@DAKIN_YES** kneeshaw in this house

**why: @DAKIN_YES** kneeshaw

**David Posner: @DAKIN_YES** kneeshaw

**HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES** kneeshaw

**DAKIN_YES:** i hate all of you

 

**420nosescope has changed their name to kneeshaw**

 

**DAKIN_YES:** especially you, timms

**kneeshaw: @DAKIN_YES** ;-x love you too, darl

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

  
  


**kneeshaw:** sugar my turnips ive not done my essay

**TEACHUSSY:** well who's stupid fault is that

**kneeshaw:** SIR

**kneeshaw:** ARE YOU SASSING ME

**TEACHUSSY:** possibly.

**kneeshaw:** SIR IM SHOCKED

**kneeshaw:** HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOUR MOST DARLING PUPIL

**TEACHUSSY:** two things, timms:

**TEACHUSSY:** one- you are not my most darling pupil

**TEACHUSSY:** two- it's not my fault if the consequences of not doing your essays mean that you don't get into cambridge.

**kneeshaw** : sir

**DAKIN_YES:** wow that's so sad lockwood play blue monday by new order

**HowAboutVanNogh:** that's a bit gay, dakin

 

* * *

**private chat between adilicious and xxx-jimmy**

  
  


**adilicious:** 'bit gay' SAYS YOU

**xxx-jimmy:** situational irony, adil

 

* * *

**chat: history_squad**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** just do what you were actually supposed to do over the weekend and i'll overlook that it's late.

**kneeshaw:** okay sir.

**TEACHUSSY:** and dakin?

 

* * *

**private chat between TEACHUSSY and stu_the_dude**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** kneeshaw

**stu_the_dude:** *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir*

 

* * *

**c** **hat: dakin's a slag**

  
  


**kneeshaw has changed the chat name to FUCK IRWIN**

 

**David Posner:** careful dakin might take that as an imperative

**DAKIN_YES:** oi

 

**kneeshaw has changed the chat name to IRWIN'S A FUCK**

 

**kneeshaw:** hes such a fucking dickhead i hate him

**kneeshaw:** 'you wont get into cambridge' fuck off

**kneeshaw:** because i havent done his fucking essay come on

**kneeshaw:** oh yeah because i forgot to do one essay im going to the uni of fuck-all-nowhere

**pete:** to be fair tony hes been here nearly two months, we take the exam in four weeks and you havent given him a single essay

**pete:** given the circumstances i think hes being more than reasonable.

**pianoMan:** 'we take the exam in four weeks' thanks for giving me an anxiety disorder, rudge

**kneeshaw:** i *have* given him essays

**Here_come-tech-boi:** never on time

**HowAboutVanNogh:** and half of them are recycled totty essays, youve told us as much

**kneeshaw:** y'all cant be serious

**kneeshaw:** youre writing ALL NEW ESSAYS on the same topics?

**David Posner:** obviously

**why:** i mean, i use the same sources and sometimes the same arguments, but it's a new essay every time

**kneeshaw:** why?

**David Posner:** because we want to pass the damn exam

**David Posner:** we can't all give as few fucks as you tony some of us have to actually fucking work to produce something half-decent

**kneeshaw:** fuck off posner

**pianoMan:** no, he's right

**pianoMan:** we're all putting so much effort in right now that the fact that you dont even hand anything in is actually taking the piss

**kneeshaw:** but its just another exam

**David Posner:** its not just another fucking exam tony

**David Posner:** it's oxbridge

**David Posner:** and some of us want to fucking go there, okay?

**kneeshaw:** youre actually all working on this?

**HowAboutVanNogh:** cant speak for the others but this is the hardest ive ever worked for anything

**DAKIN_YES: @HowAboutVanNogh** excluding sex

**HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES** nah, somehow i think that comes a lot easier to me than it does to you, i'm irresistible

**Here-come-tech-boi: @HowAboutVanNogh** you wish.

**kneeshaw:** fuck

**kneeshaw:** ive really cocked this one up, havent i

**kneeshaw:** shit

**kneeshaw:** shit

**pete:** there's still time, mate

**pete:** nothing stops you from starting now

**pete:** just got to make time for your work and hand it in on time, then work to improve it

**kneeshaw:** i love you rudge, sometime

**pete:** you can find an extra two-three minutes by cutting out your wank time

**kneeshaw:** sometimes.

* * *

 

**private chat between stu_the_dude and TEACHUSSY**

 

**TEACHUSSY:** timms is really annoyed with me, isn't he?

**stu_the_dude:** ?

**stu_the_dude:** a bit, yeah, he was

**TEACHUSSY:** crap

**TEACHUSSY:** i shouldn't have said he wouldnt get into cambridge

**TEACHUSSY:** it's too harsh of me to say that

**stu_the_dude:** sir

**stu_the_dude:** with all due respect

**stu_the_dude:** are you wrong

**TEACHUSSY:** what

**stu_the_dude:** seriously

**stu_the_dude:** are you wrong

**stu_the_dude:** if timms doesnt crack down he's not going to get in, that's an objective fact

**stu_the_dude:** and its not wrong of you to say so when thats the truth

**stu_the_dude:** honestly sir youre so used to lying you dont know when to tell the truth

**stu_the_dude:** crack the whip a bit

**TEACHUSSY:** still harsh

**TEACHUSSY:** and he knows what he's doing, so it wasn't completely warranted.

**stu_the_dude:** the only reason timms seems like he  knows what he's doing is because he's a two-bit bullshit artist

**stu_the_dude:** he has no idea what hes doing

**stu_the_dude:** and yeah, he went on a bit of a rant, but then rudge gave him a kick up the arse, and dear christ, he needs it sometimes

**TEACHUSSY:** rudge did?

**stu_the_dude:** mainly rudge

**stu_the_dude:** bit of posner & scripps

**stu_the_dude:** general consensus, sir, is we think youre entirely justified

**stu_the_dude:** you were right to say it

**stu_the_dude:** if hes pissing about then hes wasting your time

**TEACHUSSY:** you all really think that?

**stu_the_dude:** cant speak for them verbatim, but i do and i think the others do

**stu_the_dude:** sir, we think youre a really good teacher

**stu_the_dude:** youre teaching us some really decent stuff

**stu_the_dude:** new ways of looking at things

**stu_the_dude:** things we never would have thought about

**stu_the_dude:** or even considered were possible, before

**stu_the_dude:** and to a certain extent, we admire and respect you for that

**stu_the_dude:** or at least, i do

**TEACHUSSY:** thank you

**TEACHUSSY:** genuinely, thank you

**TEACHUSSY:** means a lot

**stu_the_dude:** any time

**TEACHUSSY:** now will you tell me how to change this damn username

**stu_the_dude:** not on your life

* * *

 

**private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** posner

**scrippsy:** no.

**stu_the_dude:** come on scripps

**stu_the_dude:** im in a genuine and kind mood today

**scrippsy:** there are many adjectives to describe you, dakin

**scrippsy:** 'genuine' and 'kind' are not two of them

**stu_the_dude:** exceptional circumstances, ive had a good day

**stu_the_dude:** posner.

**scrippsy:** what about him

**stu_the_dude:** what not about him

**stu_the_dude:** you pine more than a garden centre in november

**scrippsy:** what

**stu_the_dude:** pining? pine trees? christmas?

**scrippsy:** ah.

**stu_the_dude:** okay so fuck the metaphor

**stu_the_dude:** you. like. posner.

**scrippsy:** if. i. did. it. doesnt. matter.

**stu_the_dude:** why?

**stu_the_dude:** seriously, why?

**stu_the_dude:** whats the point in liking someone and doing nothing about it

**scrippsy:** hypocrite.

**stu_the_dude:** slightly, ill admit

**scrippsy:** wait what

**scrippsy:** youre admitting it?

**stu_the_dude:** so

**scrippsy:** DONT 'SO' ME STUART DAKIN ARE YOU FINALLY ADMITTING THAT YOU WANT TO SHAG THE TEACHER

**stu_the_dude:** eh? ish?

**stu_the_dude:** im adjusting to the idea

**stu_the_dude:** its an interesting experience, for sure

**stu_the_dude:** different.

**scrippsy:** stuart dakin, only you would describe having a crush on someone as an 'interesting experience' you heartless bastard

**stu_the_dude:** back on topic

**scrippsy:** fuck no were staying on this

**stu_the_dude:** what do you want to do about posner

**scrippsy:** for fucks sake, dakin, nothing

**scrippsy:** there's no... reciprocation

**stu_the_dude:** that youve seen

**scrippsy:** id like to think im more observant than you

**stu_the_dude:** _ "see better, lear" _

**stu_the_dude:** look, have you asked

**scrippsy:** have you?

**stu_the_dude:** touche, but youre deflecting

**scrippsy:** of course i shitting havent

**stu_the_dude:** well then thats your first problem

**scrippsy:** dakin dont

**stu_the_dude:** ???

**stu_the_dude:** you dont even know what im about to do

**scrippsy:** ive known you for nineteen years of course i fucking do just dont

 

* * *

 

**private chat between David Posner and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** do you like scripps

**David Posner:** fuck off

 

* * *

 

**private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude**

 

**stu_the_dude:** welp

**scrippsy:** i hate you

**stu_the_dude:** its in his head now though

**stu_the_dude:** and he didnt say no.

**scrippsy:** wait, really?

**stu_the_dude:** one day you'll thank me B)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
